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October Is ‘DOMESTIC VIOLENCE’ Awareness Month

Do you know that
– 1 in 4 women and nearly 1 in 7 men in the U.S. have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime
–  48% of women and 48% of men have experienced at least one psychologically aggressive behavior by an intimate partner.
–  The 24/7 Domestic Violence Hotlines collectively receive 800+ calls an hour.

Who are affected by DV?
Survivors and abusers exist among women/men, high/low positions, high/low income, high/low education, job holders/homemakers and followers of all religions.

What do we mean by DV?
Domestic Violence is defined as “A pattern of coercive tactics used by one partner with the goal of establishing and maintaining power and control over the other. The coercion may be in one or more of these forms: Verbal, Emotional, Psychological, Economic, Physical and Sexual.”
The abuser may or may not physically hurt the partner. He/she maintains “Power and Control” over the partner by effectively terrorizing her/him using tactics like: Isolation from family and friends, Minimizing or denying her/his feelings, Lying, Blaming, Using children as pawns, Intimidation and Controlling money.

Why don’t the survivors leave the abusers?
Most common reasons are that they
–  may not realize they’re being abused if the abuse isn’t physical and even if it is – feel the abuse is their fault, and they are responsible for fixing the relationship
–  may be embarrassed or ashamed
–  can’t break the wedding vows
–  feel restricted by family, community or religious expectations
–  don’t want to disturb their children’s lives
–  afraid that the abuser will fight for sole custody of their children
–  have limited financial resources and social support
–  may still love the abuser and just want the abuse to stop
–  the abuser may promise it’ll never happen again

For the common Q&A about Domestic Violence check out the links below –

Frequently asked Questions and Answers (HTML)  PDF version from the Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence New york State
Frequently asked questions  from The National Network to End Domestic Violence
Facts about Domestic Violence in US  (National and state by state) from National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
National DV Hotline

Related page with exhaustive links: Relationships: Healthy, Unhealthy/Abusive

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Select ‘Self Development Books’ Oct 2018

I have been fortunate in coming across some amazing books on communication, relationships and healing from trauma. I have benefited immensely by repeatedly reading the hard copies or listening to the audio books till the counter intuitive ideas sink deep into my mind.

You can see them in a separate page of same title.

Select list of ‘Self Development Books’ Oct 2018


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+ Abusive behavior of family members

This is an uncomfortable topic. The goal of this article is to break the silence on the abusive behavior of family members. I consider mentally or physically abusive behavior to be a symptom of an unhealthy mind. I am presenting a case of abuse which had tragic consequences to open the topic for discussion.

Let us examine our unscientific approach towards abusive behavior. Looking back into history, we know that devastating diseases like cholera, smallpox and polio have been brought under control worldwide, not by labeling them as bad but by scientifically investigating their causes and developing effective antidotes. We see daily news articles on how to maintain good physical health by following healthy practices for diet, exercise, sleep and stress. We discuss physical ill health without inhibition. But in stark contrast, we avoid talking about mental health issues. Even when we see the victim’s physical and/or emotional suffering first hand, we stick to the dysfunctional attitude of “Don’t talk about that person’s cruel behavior”. Emotional abuse, domestic violence and other hurtful behaviors drain the self esteem, scar the minds and may even lead to suicide of the victims. Worst of all, the children exposed to such violence are at risk of adopting the hurtful behavior as they grow up, passing on the legacy of abuse to future generations. Such behaviors do not magically disappear by our looking away and being silent.

Are we not proud of the amazing developments achieved in science, technology and healthcare by adopting a fearless, scientific and innovative approach? I wonder what blocks us from dealing with mental health issues in a similar manner. We owe it to ourselves and our children, to break free from the current culture of silence and passivity over abusive behavior in families.

The sad story of my cousin Venkat

The names of the people in this article have been changed. These are my recollections of the events as a 12 year old at that time. Our family and the families of my elder and younger uncles lived under one roof as a joint family. My widowed grandmother did all the actual cooking on wood fire, in a smoke filled low roof kitchen. As per the custom at that time, she cooked strictly after taking her bath with nothing but a white wet cloth wrapped around her. Her three daughter-in-laws took care of the other chores.

My elder uncle Krishna and my aunt Sarala had only one child, a son named Venkat who was six years at that time. My uncle was very kind, soft spoken and religious. He did his morning puja every day, sitting before the puja mandir and offering flowers to the deities. His favorite God was Hanumanji. He passed Visarada exam in Hindi from Banaras Hindu University. Sarala, his wife was skilled and did her chores meticulously. She took good care of her only child Vankat by feeding him timely, flawlessly dressing him up and neatly combing his hair. She was famous for her sharp tongue and short temper. Everyone carefully avoided triggering her anger.

As it happens with some children of that age, Venkat would sometimes fight with another boy and beat him up. Occasionally, the mother of the beaten up boy would visit our house and complain to my aunt. Every time a mother complained, my aunt would instantly fly into a rage and mercilessly beat up her son Venkat, in the presence of everyone. On more than one such occasion, I heard my aunt curse her son with the unspeakable words “You are a curse for me. I wish you were dead putting an end to my misery!”. It was painful to hear a mother say such words to her son. But none of the other elders in the joint family dared to counsel or confront my aunt to discourage such hurtful words and cruel beatings.

When my father changed his job and moved to another town, I met the other two families only on special occasions like marriages. After I moved far away on employment, I came to know about my uncle’s family only through my family.

Venkat did his graduation in Arts and worked as the medical assistant for a local doctor, earning a small salary. He became a drug addict and used injectable drugs. My aunt yielded to his demands for money though she knew he was using it to feed his addiction. My uncle was a helpless spectator with no voice in this serious matter. He died in his sixties, earlier than his younger brothers. Vankat died in his forties, unmarried. My aunt, the sole survivor of the family, adopted a relative adult boy who lost his parents and lived with him in another town, making him the heir to her modest assets. She died in her seventies.

Please review this case with an open mind. Was not Venkat born as innocent as the other children in the joint family? What life experiences compelled him to seek out drugs and get addicted to them unlike the rest of the children? Who was responsible for shaping him in the wrong manner? In my opinion, my aunt’s physical and emotional abuse got etched in the heart of her six year old son. Probably whenever the painful memory of his own mother humiliating him in public, even wishing for his death haunted him, he drowned it in drugs, ultimately leading to his premature death. I think the passivity of my uncle and other adults in the joint family allowed my aunt’s abusive behavior continue unchecked. Had other adults intervened with guts and skill, Venkat might have lived a normal life like the other children in the joint family.

I have known abusive people among parents, grandparents, spouses and children. I invite the readers, especially the mental health professionals to offer their comments and suggestions for resisting and preventing abusive behavior of family members.

Why am I sharing my experience?

I have known competent people from teens to seventies suffer in silence due to abusive behavior of family members. After I read some wonderful books and gained insights, I could deal with such people successfully and also helped a few sufferers. I would like to create awareness about this hush-hush problem. When we share such problems and discuss them openly, we can develop healthy solutions to put an end to the suffering. One golden rule is “You can’t change the behavior of other people. But you can certainly choose YOUR RESPONSE to their behavior.”

People distressed by past or present abusive parental behavior may look into the book “Toxic parents – Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life” By Susan Forward Ph.D. She authored several books on relationships (1).

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(1) Susan Forward Amazon author’s page

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@ The river is your life! – Alfred’s progress

See (1) to know about Alfred. 

“Imagine a beautiful and wild river.  As you travel down it in your boat, you encounter fearsome rapids and long reaches of calm water.  Rain pelts down on you chilling you to the bone and the sun warms you like a snake on a rock.  At night, the forests along the banks, which were so beautiful by day, can become dark moving shadows, mysterious and unsettling.  The river has so many faces, boring and exciting, beautiful and treacherous.  It goes on and on ever downward, never revealing its final destination.

The river is your life.  The boat, which enables you to navigate the river, is your thoughts .  Now imagine you come upon a tranquil glade by the river-side.  You pull your boat to the river bank and tie it securely to a tree.  You sit in the glade and focus on the present, filling your heart with peace and calmness.  You can hear the river gurgling nearby but now you do not have to think about it.  If you do have a worrisome thought about the next rapids or rain storm, you can put that thought into the boat knowing it is securely tied to the bank and is safe.  You can allow yourself this present moment on the bank in the sun, knowing that life, with all its beauty and challenges will be there when you return.

When you return to the river, it will be with new calmness which will not only help you better navigate the rapids but also appreciate the infinite beauty around you which so often is missed.”

(1) Alfred

All his posts

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* Walking on gold coins, eyes closed

‘Focusing on breathing’ is a technique that is easy to understand and practice.It reduces and prevents stress without demanding time, posture, teacher or money. Many people under stress  admit it may relieve some of their problems. But they are unwilling to try it, even at bed time which is the first step I suggest on this path. I believe it shows that they are not yet ready to come out of their stress and its consequences. This idea is brought out in the following story from Indian mythology.

Once upon a time, there lived a great devotee of the God named Shiva. He was always chanting the name of God Shiva. But he was always poor, unable to support his large family. He would visit the nearby village every day, asking for donation of food from the housewives and return to his family to feed them.

One day, God Shiva’s wife, being aware of this devotee’s condition, asked Shiva why HE was not helping HIS great devotee. Shiva replied that the devotee’s time to come out of his suffering had not yet come. But Shiva’s wife, felt a lot of compassion for the devotee and insisted that Shiva must do something immediately, to help that poor devotee.

To pacify his wife, that night, Shiva sprayed gold coins all along the road on which the devotee walked every day to the village.

In the morning, Shiva and his wife watched from the heaven, to see what the devotee would do. When the  the devotee was about to step on that road, he got a brilliant idea. He thought “I have been walking on this road every day, for so many years. I know all its turns and pot holes. Let me challenge myself today, by walking on this road with my eyes closed.”. Then he closed his eyes and walked confidently, stepping on the gold coins lying all along the road. At the end of the road, he opened his eyes and congratulated himself for his great achievement!

Shiva told his wife “I told you that he is not yet ready to come out of his suffering!”

I tell this gold coin story in the introduction part of my seminars. At the end the story I say that every breath that enters and exits our bodies is like a gold coin lying on our path. Noticing a breath is like picking up a gold coin for free, because every time we focus on a breath, we prevent stress and also reduce our stress, for sure, though only a tiny bit (1). In all our non-sleeping moments, we have this ‘golden’ opportunity to prevent and reduce stress (2). Stress being the root cause of many mind and body problems, this practice has immense potential to help us get relieved of many problems (3). Participants appreciate this powerful message.

(1) ‘It is only a little’ – My Article
(2) Stress – Its causes and effects
(3) Helping mind and body

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* Only doing works, not just knowing

I learned this lesson from a funny experience in our kitchen area.

The trash can has been in the laundry room which is adjacent to the kitchen for many years. All our family members must have made thousands of trips to it by now. Sometime back, we had to temporarily relocate the trash can a few feet away , by the side of the kitchen island. This was to create space around the washer for opening it and replace some parts. Getting the parts and replacing them took about 10 days. We had been seeing the trash can in its new location, several times during the day. During this period , I learned the lesson that we can’t do the right thing, just by knowing what is to be done and how. Knowing is simply not enough. You won’t believe it unless you experience something like this. Read on …

After the trash can was moved, every time we had to drop something in it, we quickly walked to its original location, only to find it missing there, recollect its new location and walk to the new location. After this happened a few times on the first day, I cursed myself for forgetting the fact of its new location, even though I saw it in the new location several times while walking in the kitchen area. I thought my brain would guide my feet to the correct location, at least from the second day. But no! Not only the second day, but for several more days, I continued walking to the  original location, cursed myself and walked over to the new location. The first few times, it was a funny experience. Then it was very frustrating and irritating. After a few days, I gave up all my negative thinking. I realized that an action repeated thousands of times, can’t be changed just by knowing the revised action intellectually. The intellect, with all its knowledge about the new location of the trash can, could not make my feet walk to its new location. It was incapable of redirecting my feet.

My stupid action of walking to the wrong location of the trash can corrected itself, after about 7 days. I would still walk towards the old location, half way through suddenly realize that it is at a different location and redirect my feet. I was happy for this huge improvement. Before my habit corrected itself 100%, the washer repair was done and the trash can went back to its good old location.  Not surprisingly, I quickly went back to the long established habit of walking to the old location. I might have walked to the new location only a few times. I was sort of relieved and happy to get into the old groove.

Now I fully sympathize with any one trying to change an old habit. If walking to the trash can can be so difficult to change, it is no wonder people find it so difficult to give up addiction to overeating, smoking, alcohol and angry outbursts and such habits, even after realizing their negative consequences.

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* Speak and act with a clear mind, clean heart and compassion

Sometimes we are faced with challenging situations, unable to decide anything. We feel stuck. We need a strategy to get unstuck and keep going. The following approach may be helpful.

Protect yourself with the three  ‘C’ s

1. Clear mind: Seek clarity on facts. Make a reality check on the situation, people, their actions and intentions. Keep on working in this sphere, till you feel confident that you are not imagining things but seeing truth. Make sure you are not in confusion or doubt (1). First task is to achieve this mental clarity. Don’t speak or take any action even now. Read on for the second ‘C’.

2. Clean heart: Check your heart if you have any negative emotions like revenge, hatred, cheating, fear, guilt etc.  Clear your negative emotions as they will surely trip you on the way. The comes the third ‘C’.

3. Compassionate attitude: Check whether you have a compassionate attitude towards ‘yourself’ and ‘others’ who may be affected by your words and actions. If your words and actions are not arising out of compassion to everyone (everyone includes your own self), hold all speech and action. Take time to develop a compassionate attitude (2).

Now speak and act

Once you have put on these triple protections around you – a clear mind, a clean heart and a compassionate attitude, speak and act with confidence and conviction. You can’t do wrong to yourself or anyone. You won’t have regrets. You can stand before GOD and say boldly “I did the right thing. I am proud of my self.”. If you won’t be afraid of facing GOD with conviction, why should you be afraid of any human being?

(1) Is it a snake or a rope?
(2) Read My articles on ‘Relationships’

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* My shopping cart pulls to the side

I go to the nearby Walmart store often for fresh milk and vegetables. As soon as I enter, I pull out a cart from the train of stacked carts and go into the aisles, to pick up the stuff. Occasionally, after pushing the cart for a few feet, I realize that wheels are not in alignment, pulling it slightly to left or right. I am not happy with its condition. But having walked a few feet ahead, I am reluctant to walk back to the entrance to replace the defective cart by a good one. So I go ahead and continue the shopping.

If I remain passive and allow the cart to move as it tends to, my cart will soon hit another shopper or the shelving. I silently curse the defective cart and the people who should have have taken such carts out of circulation. To prevent any mishap, I periodically adjust it to go straight ahead. With a number of grumbling adjustments, I complete my shopping and walk out of the store, without any mishap.

One day it occurred to me that my mind sometimes behaves like that defective cart. I am aware of my mental bias pushing me to obviously unwarranted judgments of people. If I go by its dictates, I will definitely regret my judgments and consequent actions. Taking a clue from my experience with the defective carts, whenever I am aware, I ignore the wrong tendency of my mind and make a deliberate effort to judge and act correctly. Due to such repeated efforts, self correction of my mind has become natural and spontaneous, with less regrets.

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* Focus on the Message or the Messenger?

We see this situation often. Consider these scenarios.

  • A sufi teacher (1)  was pointing his crooked index finger, bent due to arthritis, at the moon. He was asking his student to look at the beautiful full moon in the sky. The student was focusing on the crooked index finger. He could not see the moon as he could not detach his attention from the finger. The communication between them was a total failure. Who is responsible? Who is the loser?
  • I receive a partially damaged and dirty envelope from the tax department. I feel like throwing it in the trash bin. But then….What if it is a notice of an audit of my tax return? Or it has a check for the tax refund? Should I ignore the dirty condition of the envelope and open it, pull out the letter and then toss the envelope in the trash bin?
  • I parked my car crossing the dividing line between the two parking spots, close to the entrance of a famous temple and went inside with my family. The adjacent parking space was wasted, as it was risky for any one to park in that narrow space. That being a week end, there were many visitors and the parking was very tight.  When I returned after the worship, I found a paper under the wiper of the wind shield with the pungent message “Stupid! Don’t you know how to park?” I felt very bad. Should I curse the hot blooded person, may be a youngster, for his crude message? Should I regret my negligent parking, depriving another devotee of a convenient parking space? Should I etch this incident in my mind and not repeat the parking negligence any time in future? Should I thank the youngster for teaching me an important lesson that I definitely needed, though in a crude manner? Could I have realized my inappropriate action affecting other people on my own, if I did not get that crude message,from whoever it may be?

(1) Sufism is defined by its adherents as the inner, mystical dimension of Islam. A practitioner of this tradition is generally known as a Sufī.

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Parent page: Articles on ‘Relationships’

* Thoughts are like balloons without air

We constantly get thoughts in the mind – mostly negative ones and rarely positive ones. Most of them are random thoughts and vastly vary in content and rarely relevant to the task on hand. Often we get carried away by the content and message of such a thought without questioning its validity. We don’t raise the question “Is there any truth in this thought? Do I believe it?”

A thought has no impact on our mind or behavior unless we believe it.

I can visualize thoughts entering the mind like limp balloons landing on my desk. I don’t know where they are coming from. I don’t have to blow air into every balloon that lands on my desk. I can take a look at each balloon and decide which one I like to keep. Then I can spend my energy blowing air into the chosen balloon.

Similarly, we can decide which thought arriving in our mind has significance to us at this moment, examine its validity and decide whether to believe in it and act on it. Believing in a thought is like blowing air into a limp balloon, giving it an attractive look and utility. Not believing in a thought is like leaving it limp, lifeless and insignificant, as good as dropping it in the trash can.

Related article: Is it a snake or rope? on the importance of correct perception, in saving one’s life and in not missing a potential opportunity.

Parent page: Thoughts are like………

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